Elemental: Family, Duty and Sacrifice

I was assigned to watch Disney Pixar’s “Elemental” animated movie by our family therapist as I was trying to salvage the trainwreck of my marriage and family life. I honestly was wondering why the heck? 

But I am glad I did watch it. Like all Pixar movies, it’s beautifully written and based on Director Peter Sohn’s experience growing up as a son of immigrants in New York City. In a city where fire, water, land, and air residents live together, a fiery young woman and a go-with-the-flow guy discover something elemental: how much they actually have in common. It deals with ethnic xenophobia and the immigrant experience, cross generational conflict as well as cross ethnic relationships. It’s a wonderful story with some dark undertones. 

Ember the fire resident is set to inherit her fathers store but cannot control her temper (kind of like me). But she must, if she wants to take over the store, as this is her fathers dream. Like many immigrant parents, they sacrificed everything to start over and give their children better lives. And this weight of responsibility falls very heavily on the next generation. 

Ember says in a moment of weakness: “I don’t think I do want to run the shop. Okay? That’s what my temper has been trying to tell me. I’m trapped. Do you know what’s crazy? Even when I was a kid, I would pray to the blue flame to be good enough to fill my father’s shoes one day. 

But I never asked what I wanted to do. Deep down I knew it didn’t matter. Because the only way to repay a sacrifice so big is by sacrificing your life too.”

But in the end, she admits her true feelings to her dad, who responds rather surprisingly: “The shop was never the dream. You were the dream.”  

At the end of the day, that’s what most parents want is just the best for their kids. But they don’t really do a good job sharing warm or positive feelings with their kids. Unfortunately Asian immigrant parents use shame as their main tool. And any love or praise tends to be conditional on performance at school or for good behavior. It certainly works well to drive performance for most Asian immigrant kids. I should note my parents were fairly open minded compared to other Asian/ Taiwanese Immigrant parents, they told me I could do whatever I wanted, versus being pushed into medicine or engineering or the sciences. The only thing they demanded was that I had to be the best at it. 

I guess this is what my therapist wanted me to view through another lens and animated kids movies work well here. Gave me a lot to think about. 

I write a lot about intergenerational trauma and my issues with parents. Well, really more my mom, who pushed me as hard (harsh) as her mom pushed her. But i will say, now being a father myself, this Sh-t is damn hard and my parents did their best. I get that now. 

Like the character Ember’s parents, mine sacrificed everything to come to North America and have a better life for us here in Canada/USA. If I had grown up in the strict and conformist culture of Taiwan, I would probably have ended up as a school drop out and become a gangster (seriously). 

My petty rebellions in a much more tolerant and forgiving Canada led to a pretty damn interesting international business career so far. And for that, I will forever be grateful to my parents, to Canada as well as to my present home America.