Holiday Hell: Why Holidays Are Hard for Most People

Have you noticed that many people tend to be particularly tense or in a bad mood during the major holidays. Especially during Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Years in America. As someone who has lived away from my home in Vancouver, Canada since 1996, I always religiously head home to see my folks during Christmas time. I think I missed a year because of a missed flight and then 2020 due to the BS covid lockdowns. But otherwise I would fly home, always with a mixture of joy and anxiety. 

Why? We should be so fortunate to have our parents and siblings still around. Many people don’t have that luxury. And especially as an adult with a child, it’s great to just be able to chill out while all the meals, babysitting and laundry and chores are done for you. You regress back to your childhood. And my folks even give me Canadian dollars to spend while there, which is so weird. And they never take my refusal at all.

But at the same time, you hear bizarre commentary on politics and societal events. Or the criticism from elders, and the inevitable judgment and conflict that comes up at meal time. Annoying as you are now an adult used to living and doing whatever you want. Especially for someone so independent minded like me. It’s not like I have a curfew but then you end up having all the weird arguments with them. 

The excellent financial writer Frederik Gieschen wrote something quite insightful a week or so back:

"What strange magic happens once we’re around family? We’re confronted with our past, we get a glimpse of our future, we dive into our deepest wells of conflicting emotions. Love, gratitude, and the desire to be seen, heard, and appreciated all co-exist with frustration, anger, sadness, shame. We start shifting between new and old identities, we slip back into roles and behaviors we thought we’d long abandoned. The ghosts of childhood wounds haunt the dinner table.

I think we trigger each by our very nature, not on purpose (ok, sometimes on purpose). Just like an insult only touches us if we spot a kernel of truth in it, family drama is intense because we see aspects of ourselves reflected in the other. Family ‘rubs your nose’ in the struggles of your life by showing you its iterations. If my mother struggles to let go of things, I see in this my own challenges, my own stacks of books, my own clutching and clasping.

Family is a mirror. Family throws a spotlight on what we’d rather avoid.

But here’s the kicker. If you do it right, family drama is a portal.

Fear, death, love, desire, envy, healthy and unhealthy romance, addiction, generational trauma — it’s often all there, in some shape or form. And for the holidays, it all comes together."

(Source: https://alchemy.substack.com/p/in-the-land-of-triggers-merry-christmas)

And for me it’s the long simmering anger I have toward my mother who always questioned and shamed me for not being the model kid when growing up. We’re all hurt little children no matter how old we are. And for most part, I’ve been able to use this rage to drive my career and life forward. But it’s always been there and you can only suppress it for so long. It has started to negatively impact my own family life in the last few years, despite entreaties by my therapist and other family members to finally address it over the last 2 years. Something I kept putting off the hard conversations.

So Frederik’s post came at the perfect time. He wrote:“Holidays offer an opportunity to learn about ourselves and our family and rediscover quirks and imperfections. There’s no guarantee that we leave with the gift of love, growth, and understanding. 

If we face our triggers, if we muster the courage to share, if we listen with patience, if we draw on our compassion, well, there’s a chance we can turn the drama and pain into something precious. It’s a chance worth taking.”

He was right. It was not a fun or easy conversation but things have gotten slightly better since. And I’m less angry. That’s something. So my point is that hard conversations are better to have sooner, rather than later. Your parents or loved ones will not always be there. 

Better to take the uncomfortable step to engage them and you will come out of this feeling much better. And the albeit petty sub-lesson for me: hold grudges for your enemies, not your family. :)