No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: The Limits of Generosity

I spend much time transiting through airports. One of them is Istanbul as I tend to go to places in Eastern Europe, Central Asia and the Middle East these days. During a recent trip when getting my Internet access code for the airport via a kiosk, an older lady asked me for some help. So of course I helped her. 

But some other older ladies saw this and asked me to help them get them as well. Well fast forward, 20-30 minutes later, as I was helping the last one, she then asked me if I could help her husband. I kind of lost it and said I had a flight to catch (which I actually did) and walked away. I wish I handled this with a bit more grace. 

I admit this is definitely a very petty post. I genuinely want to try to help people but every once in a while I get so triggered when people get demanding or entitled or just ask for way too much. 

I think this is why so many rich or famous people start to turn inward and avoid people. People are selfish, in many cases stupid and clueless at times. The rich and famous become targets of social demands and feel like everyone wants something from them. Which is usually the case. 

Now I don’t want to become a transactional east coast MBA guy who only does something if they get something in return. I never want to be that kind of guy. 

But I also don’t want to be the people pleaser that says YES to everything and everyone. Giving without end. That would not be good for my own psyche or anyone’s actually. There are also many people in the world who view kindness and generosity as a weakness and are people I try to avoid dealing with. 

My rule is the “rule of 1 and half”, that I learned in Silicon Valley. You get 1-2 meetings or 1-2 intros to help for free. Anything beyond that has to be commercial. But it also lets me try and give some help to people without expectation of any return. This rule obviously is for people you don’t know, not friends or family of course. There are almost no limits in mind to family and friends. It’s sacred. 

It’s also a reminder for me to go back to the principles of stoicism. You can’t control other people but you can control your feelings toward them. 

Just like Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said: 

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. 

But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading.”

I find this helps condition me and prepare for the day. The “rule of 1 & half” is the second part that prevents you from getting taken advantage of while also allowing you to help people. This will help you manage your important and inevitable social obligations.