Turning Red: Growing Up in the West in an Asian Immigrant Family
I admit I hesitated watching Disney’s “Turning Red.” An animated story of a 13 year old Chinese (or Taiwanese) girl growing up in Toronto, trapped between two cultures of the individual west and the collective east. Driven by high expectations of an intense, strict, controlling mother. She wants to please her family but is also learning to find herself too. Kind of hit a bit too close to home.
I found myself entranced as I reflected on my own upbringing. As I’ve written before, I grew up under what is now widely known as the Tiger Mom method. The constant comparison to others in the community and to my closest siblings and cousins. Especially, as the eldest sibling of my family and the eldest of all kids on my fathers side. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Never feeling like you are adequate or good enough.
The lack of affection, at least until my teens, and probably the lack of positive feedback in general is pretty damaging. In fact, affection was conditional, based on conforming to their expectations. The stress on good grades, hard work and being a good kid who would bring honor, or at least not bring shame to the family.
Too bad, I was a relatively mediocre student, very poorly behaved, always in trouble at school (note: my parents got called to the school so often they were on a first name basis with the vice principals at all the schools I went to, true story here). Add on a ferocious temper that still causes me trouble to this day. I’m not what you call a model child and was pretty much an embarrassment to the family. I never met their high standards at least until I got to University, when I sort of grew up. And definitely was able to turn things around when I left Canada in 1996. Consequently, I’m also very hard on myself and drive myself intensely even when I don’t need to be.
I still have very deep lingering resentment against my mom, even though I know she was doing her best. She only ever had good intentions and wanted what was good for me. I know this now as a parent, this Sh-t is HARD especially with your first kid.
The irony of all this, is that my life, on most measures, turned out pretty good. I’ve surpassed everyone I grew up with. I’ve crushed them all. And I would love to shove what I’ve done in front of all the teachers who put me down—-worthless sub middle class fu-kers. Yes, I still feel the intense anger here at how I was treated by them. Albeit, I think this was in good part due to the environment and opportunities I found in the USA. I had a clean slate, Backed up with an intense work ethic, pure rage plus a total fear of both failure and poverty.
Yet I find myself repeating some of the things I hated being inflicted on me, towards my daughter. I even do this to my startup founders. I’m harsh, I have high expectations, I very rarely, if ever compliment or give positive feedback. I’ve become everything I resent in my mom.
And this is why a fairly good portion of my founders hate me. I would estimate this to be 10-15% of my founder pool which is a pretty big number. But this is a conscious decision for me. If you want to truly help, then tell them the truth even if it hurts. F—k them and their weakness. If they want vapid useless advice, go to other VCs who claim to be “founder friendly.” I make no apologies here.
Having said that, it has made me rethink my parenting style. It’s one thing being cold and harsh to a supposed adult that startup founders are. And I stress supposed adults, as some of them are complete man-children. But it’s a different thing to do this to your child, who is still developing and learning. I’m trying to figure out the right balance of high standards and expectations but still showing affection & care. Or at least not making the affection conditional on success and meeting high standards like it was for me. Thankfully my kid is very competitive and very self motivated, so it’s not like I have to push her.
And I see it as a second chance to help myself. I’m working on seeing my Tiger Mom upbringing as a blessing & gift, not a curse. I would not be where I am without it and without my parents. Any success I have in life is a tribute to them and them only. Yes, I’m still dealing with the small emotional traumas that come with it but at least I was able to channel it into some level of societal success. That’s NOT nothing.
There is a great quote in the movie: “people have all kinds of sides to them. And some sides are messy. The point is not to push the bad stuff away, it’s to make room for it. Live with it.”
So some advice for all of us:
“Honor your parents but don’t forget to honor yourself.”