Your Gift Is Also Your Curse: The Duality of Life

I admire the creator Chris Do and had the fortune of hearing him talk at my friend Eric Siu’s awesome Leveling Up event. I also recently heard a podcast with him and Eric as they explored his career and his rise. He calls himself his Number 1 fan. That if you are not secure with yourself and truly love and comfortable with yourself, success and fame will be detrimental to you. It rings true.

I’ve written many times about my Asian immigrant childhood. It was tough but my parents really did their best and clearly loved us. My mother gave up her career and stayed at home to raise us while my father worked to support us. And he worked like a demon. And it was tough for them financially as well as having to take care of two young boys, soon joined by a third on one income in a place where we had no other family around. 

My mom was especially tough on me as she had very high expectations of me as I was the eldest. I grew up being told I had to be the best, I had to work hard, I had to get good grades, I had to be well behaved. I never met expectations and thus as a young child and young adult I was continuously told by her that I “shamed the family.”

This created an absolutely insatiable work ethic, plus a deep desire to become immensely rich and successful. And also a need to explore the world and live on my own terms. Independence. This has driven a big part of my life. And allowed me to accomplish quite a lot in my career. Doing all that I do in the tech business world. I have high standards and unforgiving of mistakes, especially ones I make. I am incapable of enjoying anything unless I feel I have done the hard work and earned it. 

However, on the other side of the coin, it has caused me tremendous harm. I take criticism very hard. Apologizing is excruciating which has been so damaging to personal relationships. I also tend to be overly individualistic. I literally trust almost no one. I tend to hold long term grudges and vendettas.

I admit I am emotionally stunted and lean on my incandescent rage so I don’t have to face the deep sadness inside. There are many days I realize I hate myself for this weakness because of all the stupid small traumas as a young impressionable child. Never feeling like I am enough. Constant dissatisfaction. 

Thankfully, I am able to channel it to external milestones of success and it forces me to move and look forward. 

Nothing is 100% good or bad. It’s how you use it.